Naikan journaling can be adapted to reflect on your roles by reframing the traditional questions to focus on your relationships and your role within them in the context of the past 24 hours.
For example, if I focus on my relationship with my wife, I could use the following three prompts to practice Naikan:
- What have I received from my wife in the past 24 hours?
- In my role as a husband, what have I given back to my wife in the past 24 hours?
- As a husband, what troubles have I caused her in the past 24 hours from a lack of rolefulness?
Reflecting on the past 24 hours, I recognize the many things I’ve received from my wife. In planning my first Ikigai Retreat, she has emailed several hotels to confirm group bookings and purchased sample products from Japanese websites—all to support me.
While I like to think I give much in return, Naikan journaling has helped me see that she has done far more for me than I have for her. This practice highlights this imbalance and encourages me to face the reality of the give and take in our relationship.
As for the third question, in the past 24 hours, I acknowledge the troubles I’ve caused her: my poor communication, impatience, and frustration over the perceived lack of progress I implied to her.
Naikan is a powerful tool for reflecting on my behavior, offering me the opportunity to consider how I could have communicated or acted better. It inspires me to be more caring, compassionate, and loving in my role as a husband and friend.
As this example shows, Naikan journaling is effective in recognizing the support we receive from others, acknowledging that we often receive more than we give, and improving ourselves in our roles by confronting our flaws.
Naikan journaling also provides a private space to express your true self, which is essential for self-actualization. The three Naikan questions serve as a foundation for reflecting on all roles and relationships, including those with parents, partners, friends, colleagues, community members and even strangers.
Daiki and I encourage you to make Naikan journaling a daily practice. All you need is a pen, a piece of paper, and ma—a space, both physical and figurative, where you can reflect on and journal the three Naikan questions.
By practicing Role-Focused Naikan, you give yourself the chance to grow and improve in each life role, leading to a more role-centered life. Your answers to the questions can inspire you to fulfil your roles and encourage you to better handle situations, opening you up to contemplate how you want to contribute to others in the future. Most importantly, it helps develop compassion—not only for others but also for yourself. Self-compassion is the key to rolefulness, so let’s touch on this now.
Self-compassion
Compassion plays a vital role in fostering relationships and is a virtue we should incorporate into our roles. Equally important is extending this compassion to ourselves through self-compassion.
Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in the field, describes self-compassion as the process of turning compassion inward and identifies three essential components:
- self-kindness
- recognizing our shared humanity
- and practicing mindfulness
Self-kindness
In today’s fast-paced world, technology is evolving quickly, and our communication styles are changing with it. Email and social media have made conversations quicker and more straightforward, but this speed can make interactions feel automatic and less personal. We might find ourselves feeling disconnected from others' comments or getting easily annoyed by them. Being kind to both ourselves and others is key to maintaining meaningful relationships. And that kindness begins with how we treat ourselves—with self-kindness.
Recognizing our shared humanity
Common humanity is all about recognizing that others think and feel just like we do. When we understand that everyone shares similar experiences, it helps reduce feelings of loneliness because we realize we're not alone in what we're going through.
Research shows that higher self-compassion is linked to lower levels of anxiety and depression. Studies also suggest that employees who practice more self-compassion handle feelings of work loneliness better. By focusing on our daily roles and those of others, we can connect with this sense of common humanity.
Research shows that higher self-compassion is linked to lower levels of anxiety and depression. Studies also suggest that employees who practice more self-compassion handle feelings of work loneliness better. By focusing on our daily roles and those of others, we can connect with this sense of common humanity.
For example, we often worry about similar things, like relationships and health issues. Listening to our family and friends and sharing our concerns is a crucial part of our daily interactions. By engaging in these meaningful conversations, we not only enhance our rolefulness but also deepen our awareness of our shared human experiences.
Practicing mindfulness
Mindfulness is a term we hear a lot these days. Essentially, mindfulness is about tuning into the present moment—paying attention to how we’re feeling and what we’re thinking right now. It’s all about being fully aware and content with our current state.
While mindfulness often focuses on internal awareness—our thoughts, emotions, and sensations—rolefulness brings that awareness into the social realm. It’s about how we show up in our roles and how those roles connect us to others. Rolefulness is enriched through relationships and through understanding the meaning our roles hold, both for ourselves and for the people around.
We can’t cultivate rolefulness in isolation; it’s something that unfolds through interaction and interdependence. Even internal rolefulness—our sense of identity, purpose, and value in our roles—is shaped by how we engage with others and how those engagements reflect back on us.
To live rolefully, we must aim to be mindful in our roles (how we behave and respond), of our roles (how we define and carry them), and of the impact our roles have on others. Whether we are parents, friends, mentors, colleagues, or caregivers, every role we occupy influences the emotional and relational spaces we share. By bringing awareness to these dimensions, we not only deepen our own sense of self, but we also create more meaningful and fulfilling relationships.
By developing these three core components of self-compassion we can lead a roleful life.
Self-esteem
Daiki shares that self-esteem plays a role, too. Research has shown that self-esteem is a key factor in how attachment anxiety and avoidance affect our well-being. Individuals with low self-esteem tend to experience greater insecurity in relationships, which in turn can undermine their sense of rolefulness—especially in roles that involve emotional connection, like parenting or caregiving.
This is where self-compassion becomes essential. It helps buffer the effects of attachment anxiety by fostering a more stable sense of self-worth. In fact, our research found that self-compassion doesn’t just improve self-esteem—it also moderates how self-esteem influences well-being overall.
When people cultivate both self-compassion and rolefulness, they’re more likely to develop healthier self-esteem. And with that foundation, they can step into their roles more confidently, more authentically, and with a greater sense of purpose. In that way, self-esteem becomes a kind of bridge between self-compassion and rolefulness—supporting a more resilient and integrated self across all areas of life.
When our self-esteem is grounded in both self-compassion and a sense of rolefulness, we become better equipped to explore and embrace roles that genuinely align with who we are.
Instead of seeking validation through external approval or rigid expectations, we begin to trust our internal compass.
This inner confidence gives us the courage to experiment, reflect, and grow—making it easier to recognize when a role feels authentic and right.
It’s through this process of self-trust and exploration that we begin to identify the roles that feel not only meaningful, but truly our own—what Daiki and I call unique rolefulness.