Role Distress refers to the emotional and psychological discomfort that arises when navigating life’s roles becomes difficult, unclear, or overwhelming. It rarely stems from a single issue. Instead, it’s often the result of several overlapping pressures that chip away at our sense of meaning, confidence, and ease.
The five key contributors to role distress:
- Role strain – the tension that arises when the expectations of a single role feel overwhelming or hard to reconcile.
- Role conflict – when the demands of two or more roles are incompatible, creating emotional and logistical friction.
- Role confusion – unclear boundaries between roles that make it difficult to know who we are being, or how we’re meant to show up.
- Role ambiguity – a lack of clarity about what is expected in a role, leading to anxiety and hesitation.
- Role overload – taking on more than one can reasonably manage, often resulting in exhaustion or burnout.
What’s the solution?
The most practical starting point for responding to role distress is to ask yourself:
“What do I want to be doing in this role?”
This is where journaling and the Role Framework become invaluable. They help you clarify how you want to show up in each role by aligning the values you associate with that role to specific, intentional behaviours. In doing so, you begin to define how you play each role with purpose and integrity.
This process of self-reflection and value alignment gives you the freedom to express yourself more fully—and to become the person you want to be within each role.
Even when a role feels challenging, you can still act in alignment with your values. In fact, it is often these very roles—the ones that test our patience, stretch our capacity, or push us outside our comfort zone—that offer the greatest potential for growth. They reveal hidden strengths, teach resilience, and call us to evolve into a deeper, more grounded version of ourselves.
Every role carries a sense of responsibility. How you take ownership of that responsibility is up to you. When guided by your values, even the most difficult roles can make life feel worth living because of the satisfaction and growth that come from overcoming their challenging moments. With role experience, you shape not only how you show up today but also who you are becoming.
Challenging roles are not something to avoid. When approached with self-awareness and positivity, they can bring you closer to the future self you aspire to be. They also offer a powerful opportunity to experience rolefulness: the sense that what you’re doing matters and contributes to a greater good.
Set Boundaries Within Roles
The second step in addressing role distress is to establish clear boundaries. Life becomes distressing when we compromise our values or experience ongoing value conflicts within our roles. Boundaries help protect our sense of self and ensure our roles remain sustainable and meaningful.
Of course, setting boundaries can be challenging. Social expectations—and the fear of letting others down—can make it difficult to say no or to assert what we need. However, you can reframe this challenge by establishing your own expectations within each role, guided by self-compassion and omoiyari (considerate empathy), while also being mindful not to overextend yourself.
To begin, you must first gain clarity. One simple and powerful practice is to draw a “line in the sand” for each of your roles. Ask yourself:
- What serves me and others in this role?
- What doesn’t serve me or others in this role?
Let Go of Roles That No Longer Serve You
Some roles may no longer serve you. When this becomes clear, it’s okay to step away. Continuing to engage in a role that no longer aligns with your values, wellbeing, or life direction can be a quiet form of self-betrayal. It’s a disservice not only to yourself but also to others, especially when someone else may be better suited to step into that space.
Letting go of a role is rarely easy. It may involve grieving an old identity, disappointing others, or confronting guilt. But over time, holding on to a role that doesn’t fit can become more harmful than the temporary discomfort of letting it go.
How do you let go of a role?
Letting go of a role that no longer serves you is one thing. Communicating that decision—especially when others may feel disappointed or impacted—is another.
Here are three ways to approach this conversation with clarity, care, and courage:
1. Have an honest conversation
If possible, speak directly with those who will be affected. Approach the conversation with respect and empathy, but assert your decision clearly. You’re not asking for permission—you’re affirming that this is the right choice for you, and by extension, for the people and systems around you. Remaining in a role out of obligation ultimately serves no one.
2. Express yourself in writing
If a live conversation feels too complex or emotionally charged, write a letter or email. Don’t fall into the trap of overexplaining or apologising. You’re not defending your decision—you’re expressing it. Writing can help you articulate your values and affirm your boundaries with clarity.
Much like a job resignation letter, you can write a role resignation letter—a clear, respectful way to communicate your decision to step away from a role. This is especially helpful when a direct conversation feels too difficult or emotionally complex.
Use the following structure to guide your message:
- Acknowledge what the role has meant to you
- Express why it’s time to step away
- Offer gratitude, and if appropriate, support for a smooth transition
This approach gives space for your voice to be heard, without needing to manage someone else’s immediate emotional response.
3. Ask for help
If even writing feels overwhelming, ask for help to leave the role. There is strength in vulnerability. Be honest about the difficulty, but stay firm in your decision. Ask for support in navigating the transition or redistributing responsibilities to ensure the process is respectful and sustainable for everyone involved. This approach is especially helpful for roles where the boundaries have blurred, such as caregiving or unpaid work.
Taishoku Daikō
In Japan, an entire industry has emerged to help people quit jobs they no longer feel able to leave themselves. These “taishoku daikō” or “job-leaving agents” act on behalf of clients to communicate resignation to employers, often via phone or fax.
While this is extreme, it reflects a deep cultural reality: the fear of disappointing others and disrupting harmony can become so overwhelming that people outsource even their most personal decisions..
This example reminds us that asking for help in stepping away is not a failure. It’s a need many people quietly carry. Whether through conversation, writing, or a trusted ally, communicating your decision with care is an act of rolefulness.
Learn to Say “No”
Moving forward, one of your most important roles may be learning to say “no.” Say no to expectations, opportunities, or requests that don’t align with who you are or the roles you truly wish to inhabit.
It may be challenging at first. But once you recognise that you can’t be everything to everyone, you’ll begin to understand that the best way to serve yourself, others, and your community is to say yes to what feels roleful, and no to what doesn’t.
One of your roles in life is knowing what to say no to—and saying it.
And while this may be slightly tongue in cheek, we invite you to practice a little something we call: “nofulness.”